Not Hiding My Shadows to Allow the Miracle
When I allowed myself to get still, I started to get in touch with how vast my self-hatred was. I had never realized how unhappy I felt nor had I realized how addicted I was to feel bad. It was as if my joy and happiness were not a priority. I really thought I wanted to love, but my life showed me all of the resistance I had.
I was tired of having to judge who I could give love to and trust and who I had to avoid. Every time I created that distance from whomever or whatever I was judging, I felt much more distant from my own heart and more distant from my own joy. It was as if I had a wide mosaic of enemies surrounding me, constantly on-guard in case any of those voracious and unscrupulous beasts would steal my well-being. I was a victim of my own beliefs, ideas, and interpretations.
As I started to become aware of all of my shadows, I felt that I wanted to hide it and keep them away from anyone to see. I put on a fake face of innocence while suffering underneath it. But at this point, my prayer of not being a victim was stronger. I had to expose these feelings. I had to share my experiences. I had to be honest with myself and the spirit and the hardest part- with other people.
I believed that if I would share about my shadows and all the shame and guilt, I would be judged myself. I found that the more honest and authentic I was, even about my dark thoughts, I received love and compassion back. Once I could fully be open, I found that I actually was laughing at what I had taken so seriously!
All the years of repression and hiding were met with forgiveness. It was a miracle. In fact, it was one miracle after the other. It was a process to get through the layers, and as they started coming off, all that was left was love.
The holiest of all the spots on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a present love.
ACIM, T-26. IX.6,1.